The girl that I kept gushing over didn't seem to actually be lonely, lol. I should have figured it was mostly for attention. Well, people who act like that are generally not respectable. Still though, it makes me feel weird, bad even, that I sympathized so much for someone that pretty much wasn't actually lonely, and she was just hopping from person to person.
I think it is good I don't care about her anymore, because I don't think I felt anything real. I would have felt worst if I was with her and getting to know another girl. Speaking of which, I wish she would talk with me more, I'm always the one making plans, initiating conversations for messages. Things go okay in person but, it just feels distant.
The truth is, I don't know if I actually like her. It's been really hard to like anyone. People feel like they have ulterior motives, or they just don't value you enough and drop you when you aren't needed. I am not really wanted. Every day I just think about escape, just escaping escaping from my town, be able to live a solitary life on a farm, be with animals and just be able to work on little projects. Video games, engineering crafts, gardens, robotics. But I feel stuck here, at odds with whether to try and get to know a girl or not.
I remember when I was younger I would always think about having a girlfriend, like having someone who loves me. Sometimes the feeling would go in and out, but ultimately it would pass. Now it never comes back, I feel like. When it does it's brief, but then I bully myself into reality and I just have a melancholic pit brewing in my stomach. For some reason, it feels kind of good to be sad. It makes me feel warm and my brain kind of goes fuzzy.
I'm okay with nobody loving me. I'll find meaning. I have friends, my family, and a future, and that is all I can really grip onto. I don't take this life for granted.